Tailgate

I’m a cool guy, real low-key,
Nothing much bothers me
I’m a lover, not a fighter or a hater
But one thing can make me shout
And rage and scream and foam at the mouth
And that is one of those (!!!!!!) tail-gaters.

I was driving along in my car
Listening to NPR
And a piano concerto by Francis Poulenc
When suddenly this SUV
Pulls up two feet behind me
Turns on his high-beams and starts to honk (HONKS)

He’s riding high, this angry dude
In a big car, big attitude
Yelling at me like he was drunk
Acting like he owned the road
And then I remembered I had a load
Of fresh horse manure in my trunk

I carry around about a ton
In case I should meet someone
Who needs to know what’s on my mind
So I lifted the truck latch
And out came a nice fresh batch
Of road apples tumbling out behind

(SFX, SKID, SPLAT)
So long tailgater
See you later.

Nothing angers me, my friend,
Like someone climbing up my rear end
What’s the rush. Sit back. Enjoy the view.
But there they are, full of rage
Like Othello on the stage
And guess who Desdemona is? That’s you.

Like this car the other day
Came up behind me on the highway
Like this was his road monopolistic
Flashed his lights, honked his horn,
The unmistakeable sound of scorn
And then I saw it was a she and I went ballistic.

I had a hundred bowling balls in my trunk,
An anvil and some other junk,
And I hit the switch and let em fly (SFX)
I set off a rocked, a 14-incher (SFX)
And released my Doberman pinscher (SFX)
And for good measure I hit her with a big cream pie. (SFX)
So long tailgater
See you later.

I was going down a two-lane road
Driving the limit, not too slow
But this van came up behind who had to go faster.
He was riding so close on my bumper
I could read his license number
And it was Reverend Olson, my own pastor.

He honked, he yelled, he shook his fist,
Unusual for a Methodist,
And then he gave me the finger. Man, that hurt.
That was it. I stomped on the brakes
And in about the time it takes
To tell it, I had him face down in the dirt.

“You jerk,” I said, you S.O.B.
And I threw him in the ditch
And slapped him around when he started to holler (SFX)
I said, “Shut up. Quit your bitchin
You’re a disgrace to the Christian religion”
And I tore off his black shirt and his collar.

Just to show him how I feel
I set fire to his automobile
And I went to his house and broke down the door
Spray-painted blasphemies
Opened the windows so the water would freeze
Just to teach him never to tailgate no more.
(TK: What? My house??? SOBS)
So long tailgater
See you later.

If you see a car with a bumper sticker
Says, “Off my butt, you manure-kicker,”
Beware, ladies and gentlemen, that is me.
I’m a man who should not be crossed,
Got a flame thrower in my exhaust.
I’ve destroyed 32 cars, you’d be 33.

Just stay back a few car lengths
Unless you want to feel the strength
Of a burst of red-hot flame hitting your grill.
I also have a heat-seeking rocket,
Got the control in my pocket,
You think that I won’t use it but I will.
(SFX)
So long tailgater,
See you later.

The moral of this little song
Is do your best to get along
Count to twenty-five when you get mad
Do not tailgate, I repeat
Back off, butt out, retreat
Or something’ll happen to you and it’ll be bad.

In my rear bumper I’ve got a laser (SFX)
I think of it as an electric eraser (SFX)
Suddenly you will disappear (SFX)
No one’ll ever know you were here (SFX)
It gives me the power of veto
Easy as slapping a mosquito (MOSQUITO, WHACK)
One minute you’re riding on my tail
And the next you’re just another dead white male (SFX)
So long, tailgater
See you later.

A series of poems read by Garrison

Garrison’s Weekly Column

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I’m a cool guy, real low-key,
Nothing much bothers me
I’m a lover, not a fighter or a hater
But one thing can make me shout
And rage and scream and foam at the mouth
And that is one of those (!!!!!!) tail-gaters.

I was driving along in my car
Listening to NPR
And a piano concerto by Francis Poulenc
When suddenly this SUV
Pulls up two feet behind me
Turns on his high-beams and starts to honk (HONKS)

He’s riding high, this angry dude
In a big car, big attitude
Yelling at me like he was drunk
Acting like he owned the road
And then I remembered I had a load
Of fresh horse manure in my trunk

I carry around about a ton
In case I should meet someone
Who needs to know what’s on my mind
So I lifted the truck latch
And out came a nice fresh batch
Of road apples tumbling out behind

(SFX, SKID, SPLAT)
So long tailgater
See you later.

Nothing angers me, my friend,
Like someone climbing up my rear end
What’s the rush. Sit back. Enjoy the view.
But there they are, full of rage
Like Othello on the stage
And guess who Desdemona is? That’s you.

Like this car the other day
Came up behind me on the highway
Like this was his road monopolistic
Flashed his lights, honked his horn,
The unmistakeable sound of scorn
And then I saw it was a she and I went ballistic.

I had a hundred bowling balls in my trunk,
An anvil and some other junk,
And I hit the switch and let em fly (SFX)
I set off a rocked, a 14-incher (SFX)
And released my Doberman pinscher (SFX)
And for good measure I hit her with a big cream pie. (SFX)
So long tailgater
See you later.

I was going down a two-lane road
Driving the limit, not too slow
But this van came up behind who had to go faster.
He was riding so close on my bumper
I could read his license number
And it was Reverend Olson, my own pastor.

He honked, he yelled, he shook his fist,
Unusual for a Methodist,
And then he gave me the finger. Man, that hurt.
That was it. I stomped on the brakes
And in about the time it takes
To tell it, I had him face down in the dirt.

“You jerk,” I said, you S.O.B.
And I threw him in the ditch
And slapped him around when he started to holler (SFX)
I said, “Shut up. Quit your bitchin
You’re a disgrace to the Christian religion”
And I tore off his black shirt and his collar.

Just to show him how I feel
I set fire to his automobile
And I went to his house and broke down the door
Spray-painted blasphemies
Opened the windows so the water would freeze
Just to teach him never to tailgate no more.
(TK: What? My house??? SOBS)
So long tailgater
See you later.

If you see a car with a bumper sticker
Says, “Off my butt, you manure-kicker,”
Beware, ladies and gentlemen, that is me.
I’m a man who should not be crossed,
Got a flame thrower in my exhaust.
I’ve destroyed 32 cars, you’d be 33.

Just stay back a few car lengths
Unless you want to feel the strength
Of a burst of red-hot flame hitting your grill.
I also have a heat-seeking rocket,
Got the control in my pocket,
You think that I won’t use it but I will.
(SFX)
So long tailgater,
See you later.

The moral of this little song
Is do your best to get along
Count to twenty-five when you get mad
Do not tailgate, I repeat
Back off, butt out, retreat
Or something’ll happen to you and it’ll be bad.

In my rear bumper I’ve got a laser (SFX)
I think of it as an electric eraser (SFX)
Suddenly you will disappear (SFX)
No one’ll ever know you were here (SFX)
It gives me the power of veto
Easy as slapping a mosquito (MOSQUITO, WHACK)
One minute you’re riding on my tail
And the next you’re just another dead white male (SFX)
So long, tailgater
See you later.

Link test

And it’s the birthday of author John Boyne (books by this author), born in Dublin in 1971. He knew he wanted to be a writer ever since he was about 14, and after college, where he studied literature and creative writing, he took a job at Waterstone’s bookstore in Dublin. He’d write for a few hours each morning, […]

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The sun was shining though the forecast had been for showers. I was holding hands with two women I love. There was excellent coffee in the vicinity, one had only to take deep breaths. Every other doorway seemed to be a Konditorei with a window full of cakes, tarts, pastries of all sizes and descriptions, a carnival of whipped cream and frosting, nuts and fruit. A person could easily gain fifty pounds in a single day and need to be hauled away in a wheelbarrow.

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London was an experience. I landed there feeling ill and was hauled off to Chelsea hospital where a doctor sat me down and asked, “Can you wee?” I didn’t hear the extra e so it was like he’d said, “Can she us?” or “Will they him?”

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Link test

And it’s the birthday of author John Boyne (books by this author), born in Dublin in 1971. He knew he wanted to be a writer ever since he was about 14, and after college, where he studied literature and creative writing, he took a job at Waterstone’s bookstore in Dublin. He’d write for a few hours each morning, […]

Read More

Pricing

The cruise cabin pricing will range between $2,200 and $5,200 per person. This fare includes taxes, port and fuel, onboard cabin service charges/gratuities.   Please reserve your cabin via the EMI website

Read More

House band?

House band, led by Richard Dworsky, will include Chris Siebold, Larry Kohut, et. al. Richard Dworsky  Richard Dworsky is a versatile keyboardist/composer/recording artist/producer/music director, and is known for his amazing ability to improvise compositions on the spot in virtually any style. For 23 years (1993-2016), he served as pianist and music director for Garrison Keillor’s […]

Read More
August 25, 2001

August 25, 2001

A May 27, 2000, rebroadcast from The Guthrie Theater in Minneapolis, with special guests Butch Thompson, and Kathy Mattea and her band.
Listen to the episode here

Read More
July 12, 2008

July 12, 2008

A summertime mix of three shows from Ohio. Dusty and Lefty get stuck roping shopping carts at a strip mall opening and “the drifter” returns to Lake Wobegon.

Read More

What I saw in Vienna that the others didn’t

I was in Vienna with my wife and daughter last week and walked around the grand boulevards and plazas surrounded by imperial Habsburg grandeur feeling senselessly happy for reasons not quite clear to me but they didn’t involve alcohol. Nor paintings and statuary purchased with the sweat of working men and women. Nor the fact that to read about the daily insanity of Mr. Bluster I would need to learn German.

The sun was shining though the forecast had been for showers. I was holding hands with two women I love. There was excellent coffee in the vicinity, one had only to take deep breaths. Every other doorway seemed to be a Konditorei with a window full of cakes, tarts, pastries of all sizes and descriptions, a carnival of whipped cream and frosting, nuts and fruit. A person could easily gain fifty pounds in a single day and need to be hauled away in a wheelbarrow.

Read More

A good vacation, now time to head home

I missed out on the week our failing president, Borderline Boy, got depantsed by the news coverage of crying children he’d thrown into federal custody and a day later he ran up the white flag with another of his executive exclamations, meanwhile the Chinese are quietly tying his shoelaces together. Sad! I was in London and Prague, where nobody asks us about him: they can see that he is insane and hope he doesn’t set fire to himself with small children present.

London was an experience. I landed there feeling ill and was hauled off to Chelsea hospital where a doctor sat me down and asked, “Can you wee?” I didn’t hear the extra e so it was like he’d said, “Can she us?” or “Will they him?”

Read More

Man takes wife to Europe by ship

A man in love needs to think beyond his own needs and so I took my wife across the Atlantic last week aboard the mighty Queen Mary 2 for six days of glamor and elegance, which means little to me, being an old evangelical from the windswept prairie, brought up to eschew luxury and accept deprivation as God’s will, but she is Episcopalian and grew up in a home where her mother taught piano, Chopin and Liszt, so my wife appreciates Art Deco salons and waiters with polished manners serving her a lobster soufflé and an $18 glass of Chablis. If Cary Grant were to sit down and offer her a Tareyton, she’d hold his hand with the lighter and enjoy a cigarette with him.

Read More

A summer night in the Big Apple Blossom

I went to prom Saturday night at my daughter’s school, which parents all allowed to attend so long as we don’t get in the way. It was held in the gym, under the basketball hoops, boys in suits and ties, girls in prom dresses, a promenade of graduating seniors, the crowning of a king and queen, a loud rock band to discourage serious conversation.

Read More

Old man at the prom

I went to prom Saturday night at my daughter’s school, which parents all allowed to attend so long as we don’t get in the way. It was held in the gym, under the basketball hoops, boys in suits and ties, girls in prom dresses, a promenade of graduating seniors, the crowning of a king and queen, a loud rock band to discourage serious conversation.

Read More

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