December 20, 2018
Tuesday
8:00 p.m.
Minneapolis, MN
Test schedule
A live performance with Robin and Linda Williams at the Cedar Cultural Center
May 20, 2018
Sunday
3:00 p.m.
Lexington, MA
Lexington, MA
A live performance at the Saenger Theatre
April 10, 2018
Tuesday
8:00 p.m.
Tulsa, OK
Tulsa, OK
A live performance at the Brady Theater
March 17, 2018
Saturday
8:00 p.m.
Long Beach, CA
Long Beach, CA
A live performance at the Carpenter Performing Arts Center
March 15, 2018
Thursday
7:00 p.m.
Mobile, AL
Mobile, AL
A live performance at the Saenger Theatre
I’m a cool guy, real low-key,
Nothing much bothers me
I’m a lover, not a fighter or a hater
But one thing can make me shout
And rage and scream and foam at the mouth
And that is one of those (!!!!!!) tail-gaters.
I was driving along in my car
Listening to NPR
And a piano concerto by Francis Poulenc
When suddenly this SUV
Pulls up two feet behind me
Turns on his high-beams and starts to honk (HONKS)
He’s riding high, this angry dude
In a big car, big attitude
Yelling at me like he was drunk
Acting like he owned the road
And then I remembered I had a load
Of fresh horse manure in my trunk
I carry around about a ton
In case I should meet someone
Who needs to know what’s on my mind
So I lifted the truck latch
And out came a nice fresh batch
Of road apples tumbling out behind
(SFX, SKID, SPLAT)
So long tailgater
See you later.
Nothing angers me, my friend,
Like someone climbing up my rear end
What’s the rush. Sit back. Enjoy the view.
But there they are, full of rage
Like Othello on the stage
And guess who Desdemona is? That’s you.
Like this car the other day
Came up behind me on the highway
Like this was his road monopolistic
Flashed his lights, honked his horn,
The unmistakeable sound of scorn
And then I saw it was a she and I went ballistic.
I had a hundred bowling balls in my trunk,
An anvil and some other junk,
And I hit the switch and let em fly (SFX)
I set off a rocked, a 14-incher (SFX)
And released my Doberman pinscher (SFX)
And for good measure I hit her with a big cream pie. (SFX)
So long tailgater
See you later.
I was going down a two-lane road
Driving the limit, not too slow
But this van came up behind who had to go faster.
He was riding so close on my bumper
I could read his license number
And it was Reverend Olson, my own pastor.
He honked, he yelled, he shook his fist,
Unusual for a Methodist,
And then he gave me the finger. Man, that hurt.
That was it. I stomped on the brakes
And in about the time it takes
To tell it, I had him face down in the dirt.
“You jerk,” I said, you S.O.B.
And I threw him in the ditch
And slapped him around when he started to holler (SFX)
I said, “Shut up. Quit your bitchin
You’re a disgrace to the Christian religion”
And I tore off his black shirt and his collar.
Just to show him how I feel
I set fire to his automobile
And I went to his house and broke down the door
Spray-painted blasphemies
Opened the windows so the water would freeze
Just to teach him never to tailgate no more.
(TK: What? My house??? SOBS)
So long tailgater
See you later.
If you see a car with a bumper sticker
Says, “Off my butt, you manure-kicker,”
Beware, ladies and gentlemen, that is me.
I’m a man who should not be crossed,
Got a flame thrower in my exhaust.
I’ve destroyed 32 cars, you’d be 33.
Just stay back a few car lengths
Unless you want to feel the strength
Of a burst of red-hot flame hitting your grill.
I also have a heat-seeking rocket,
Got the control in my pocket,
You think that I won’t use it but I will.
(SFX)
So long tailgater,
See you later.
The moral of this little song
Is do your best to get along
Count to twenty-five when you get mad
Do not tailgate, I repeat
Back off, butt out, retreat
Or something’ll happen to you and it’ll be bad.
In my rear bumper I’ve got a laser (SFX)
I think of it as an electric eraser (SFX)
Suddenly you will disappear (SFX)
No one’ll ever know you were here (SFX)
It gives me the power of veto
Easy as slapping a mosquito (MOSQUITO, WHACK)
One minute you’re riding on my tail
And the next you’re just another dead white male (SFX)
So long, tailgater
See you later.