December 20, 2018
Tuesday
8:00 p.m.
Minneapolis, MN
Test schedule
A live performance with Robin and Linda Williams at the Cedar Cultural Center
May 20, 2018
Sunday
3:00 p.m.
Lexington, MA
Lexington, MA
A live performance at the Saenger Theatre
April 10, 2018
Tuesday
8:00 p.m.
Tulsa, OK
Tulsa, OK
A live performance at the Brady Theater
March 17, 2018
Saturday
8:00 p.m.
Long Beach, CA
Long Beach, CA
A live performance at the Carpenter Performing Arts Center
March 15, 2018
Thursday
7:00 p.m.
Mobile, AL
Mobile, AL
A live performance at the Saenger Theatre
Remember, young people, at all times and places
Be polite on a regular basis
Say Buenos dias as someone approaches,
Or, if it’s evening, say Bueno noches.
Please and thank you go a long way.
Excuse me, and if I may.
And always chew with your mouth shut
And please don’t scratch your butt.
No, don’t scratch your butt
Though it feels good, I know
Makes you feel cheerier to touch your posterior
But there’s no pro and con — it’s open and shut.
Don’t scratch your butt.
Do Europeans or Norwegians
Scratch at their nether regions?
Do the Marines? Do our troops in Iraq
Stand at attention and reach for their crack?
It’s gauche. Even Howard Stern
Would regard a butt-scratcher with concern—
In public. To be scratching your tush.
Do Congressmen do it? Did President Bush?
No, don’t scratch your butt
Even though it may itch.
Only brutes, put a hand to their glutes
Believe me the case is extremely clear-cut
Don’t scratch your butt.
I saw a fellow today in L.A.
In a Starbucks buying a venti latte
He has a good future, I have no doubt
But why did he do what he did with his snout?
Right out in public. It was so weird.
Suddenly his finger disappeared.
And you looked and you had to wonder if
He’d been taught how to use a handkerchief.
Please don’t pick your nose
Even if you use secret techniques
Nobody does it, not top CEOs
None of the classic Romans or Greeks
None of the Sioux or Navahos
Please don’t pick your nose
As you get older you move to L.A.
And you write a very successful screenplay
Then comes the day — O praise the Lord —
When you attend the Academy Awards
And they open the envelope — and call your name
A standing ovation — you won the game
You feel an itch — a real irritation —
All eyes on you and you feel a temptation
Don’t scratch your butt
You’re an artist, not an old mutt
If you need a reminder — please — not your hinder.
You can grin, you can strut, you can sneer, I suppose
Don’t scratch your butt. Don’t pick your nose.
And may I say in parting,
Thanks for not farting.